Dancing by myself
I sit here drinking coffee, and smoking cigaretts. Periodicly i stop and look about as if i was expecting someone to knock on my door….or to call on the phone…
Each day moves on…..somehow grinding into the next while the rest of the world wirrls around me. Except for the regular flood of work i am alone. Somedays I catch myself searching, almost staring into women i have met while working… hoping that if i keep looking, one day i will find true happiness, love and understanding….so i keep looking for the hidden signal, the sign…..then i feel self loathing,and disgust… i vow to not do it again, then i catch myself doing it all over! I try to think back to when the “Underground” was open…. in those days i was able to talk to women, to ask them out…..and long before that, i had met Catherine and i must have made a positive impression on her because she ended up being my girlfriend for almost 6 months….. but all of the time before and after those periods in my life i have been alone….and i mean alone…. i know the reasons; i am fat (been that way all my life), bald, and for the most part i have nothing to offer a women…..Oh there are many women who would lie to me to get my money…I do have that going for me…. but the kind of woman i am interested in isn’t bought with money, bobbels, or trinkets……Maybe the reason i was able to talk to women, and date in the past was that i didn’t care if they wanted me or not… i didn’t want a girlfriend, and didn’t give a shit one way or the other…..and as i remember it i wasn’t even looking for a girlfriend when i met Catherine, and then one night she had to tell me that she wanted to be with me… i didn’t even see her signals…..i didn’t have a clue; i just thought were going out every night. Once we were together it was all that mattered! Then 6 months later she was gone….i was cheating on her….. not with another woman…… with dope! Heh, i say “it was all that matterd”, but i guess that really isn’t true anyhow. If it was true, then i wouldn’t have choosen dope over her love. In the end i regreted it all, but it was much too late to do anything, but let her go, and finish my mission. It took another 10 or so years before i was finished with it. So now my days are filled with remorse, bitterness, and covered in loneliness. Looking back from there to now… I guess i was actually slowly drifting further and further into myself; my drive seemed to disapear…. and then without warning, came flooding back. i have met a few women in the last 3 or so years, but they all fell into two catagories: totally fucking nuts,or totally not into me. and there isn’t any middle ground! Story of my life. So now i have a new obsession; lets call her Tammy….she is attractive…. a single mom, with a warm girl next door kind of charm. She is very artistic, and very down to earth…. she is a secratary for one of my customers, so it is easy to find an excuse to pop in and see her. We have spent a lot of time together working on projects for her boss, and i have enjoyed the time i have been able to spend with her. The real problem is this….. I think she was sending me a few signals, but i am not sure, and the sissy i am won’t let me ask her out…. my greatest fear next to heights is rejection! In my dope shooting travels i have faced death a number of times, put myself in a number of ugly situations, and commited all sorts of violent and dangerious acts, but i would rather face any of those dispicable moments again than be rejected. As i re-read these lines i have bashed out on my laptop, my stomach turns as the memories of my past churn to the surface; at once i am filled with disgust in the person i was and who now i have turned into. I find myself talking to Tammy in my head… saying things i would say if i had courage. I guess that fear and loneliness walk hand in hand… and then i am reminded of what Joan said to me the last time we spoke….”Pay back is a mother fuck!” I somehow hope she knows it is all true…maybe that would give her a little satisfaction and ease the pain. So i light up another Camel, look around this dark bedroom, and look at the clock… it is almost 3AM; i will finish this cigarette, put my cel phone on the charger, and left the night drift on into the morning… then get up and do it all over again…..all the while hoping for a new signal,a sign…….just something to hang on to…something to make it all feel worth while….. Heh! Hope….. funny, but even my little voice isn’t here….. So now i am really all alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
