Razor Blades, Blisters and Time

OK lets go backwards a bit…… It is April 25th 2001 and I have just been released form Los Angeles County Jail after 90 days, they let me go from the Long Beach court house and I am now on prop 36 probation for possession of a controlled substance….(About a gram of speed!) I am wandering around the downtown transit mall looking for someone to bum a smoke from…. Ahhh I get one one, light it up and ahhhhhh what a rush! it has been 90 days since I have had a fucking smoke and it tastes good and oh so fucking nasty all at the same time. I am dressed in a fucking all white County jail jump suit and black jail sneakers… I am a pasty pale color from being locked away in a cell most of those 90 days and I look like a fucking mental patient…. I ain’t got any money, only a fucking bus token, and no where to go.. I am homeless, hungry, scared and lonely….I really fucked up this time!!!!!! oh yes I really fucked my self this time, I lost my computer business, all of my possessions, I am on probation for 3 years, and now I am officially a 3 strike felon!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know how to get in touch with my mom or sister, being they had moved before I got busted and I didn’t know where to start looking for them…. Actually I wasn’t going to look them up… All of my life I have either been sleeping on mommy’s or sis’s couch…. And I am sure they would rather not see my fucking broke dick ass. All I can think to do is to go to North Town and see if I could run into some one I knew and maybe find a place to crash….. I had burned most of my bridges long ago, so it would be hard to hook up with a crash spot.. But fuck it I may have to sleep in the river bed until I could get to the Welfare office and sign up as homeless.. That would at least give me some food stamps and a crack motel to crash in until I got to the prop 36 check in office… I got 3 days to check in or I am in violation of my probation, and I am already a 3 striker.. And I am not cut out to do all day… So in the back of my head I plan to make the appointment!
I gotta point out that I am not thinking about getting loaded… I guess because the idea hadn’t crossed my mind yet….So I am on the Atlantic bus going to North Town and I got my eyes peeled for someone I know… Maybe I can get lucky and hook up with someone so I will have a place to crash tonight…. Fuck being in jail at least I had some where to sleep and food to eat… And as fucked as that sounds it was the best I could do at the moment and possibly the best place for me!……….People on the bus are staring at me and I fucking glare back as if to say “what the fuck are you looking at????”…….So I get off at Artesia and Downey and head to this chick I know, I bum a smoke from someone and I take off to the chicks place…. This isn’t a good idea but it the only one I got at the moment so I go with it. That fucking bitch is a tweaker too, and when I get to her place she is spinning like a top and won’t let me in.. She talks to me from the window and I know she either has a fat sack, or is fucking someone who has the fat sack and either way I am fucked……See it’s like this; if you got a big sack, you’re in, the chicks will spread on command, and everyone else will bow like you’re the fucking man!!!!!! but if you ain’t got a sack or cash for one, then you’re fucking out and that is all there is too it!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless you plan to jack someone or pull off a robbery or some other scam for some cash you’re fucking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now what?????? what the fuck am I gonna do?????? I got no cash, no where to go, and I am pretty much fucked all the way around….I go sit on the bus bench on the corner and just think… Actually I don’t think at all…… I just sit there watching people drive by, the world is whirling by and I am sitting on a fucking bus bench……I am coming from no where and going no where and that is all and there ain’t no more!
So I get up and walk back towards where my mom used to live….. I know I can hide out in the river bed by 53rd St., there are a few hobo camps there and I am sure I can score a flop spot there…. Fuck it is gonna take me forever to walk my fat ass over there….All the time people are staring at me and even the street people who run into me on my way back to 53rd look at me like I am the walking dead! Heh! maybe I am, and I just don’t know it yet….. Who fucking really cares anyway??????? So after like 30 minutes or so, and a few breaks along the way I make it to Market and Orange, looking for this chick named Misty…..Word has it she is a rat but I don’t care, I was in jail with her man and he said I could crash there for a while, I think he wanted me to keep tabs on her ass and keep all the homeboys outta her panties… Shit like I even give a fuck if she was a fucking bag ‘ho…. I just needed a place to stay….Fuck she isn’t there, she is at work at some shit hole bar on Downey and South… And I am not gonna go back there to see if I can score a place to crash…. So once again I am fucked!!!!! so I wander back to the street, and I run into this guy I met with my road dog Eric…He hits me up and I tell him I just got out…. I bum a smoke and then he tells me that Eric and his old lady are in some vacant business in Compton!!!!!! Compton???? yes he tells me, Eric is working for the owner of the building and there are staying there. Fuck how am I gonna get there I think???? I hit him up for some change for the bus and he don’t have any…. But he does have a bus token so I beat feet to the bus stop and head to Compton…. Of all places… I am sleeved down with tattoos, got Lightning Bolts on my arm and my head is shaved clean and shiny…. Fuck am I fucking crazy???? I guess I am … I get on the bus and the next thing I know is I am on Atlantic and Alondra Blvd…..I got to walk to Compton Blvd and it is like a 15 minute walk and straight thru Crip territory, but fuck it wasn’t like I was scared.. I always went where I wanted to go and my thing was as long as I always acted like I belonged where ever I was, then everything would be OK……So I make it to the place where Eric was staying and the place was empty, and quiet…. The doors were all metal and it didn’t look like anyone was there…. I had to piss, so I go around back to the alley, and after pissing I see an open window…. I go to it and I hear a radio playing music… So I fucking yell right in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! ERIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY ERIC YOU THERE????? and then I hear Eric’s woman’s voice saying “who is it????”…. “IT’S ME ROB-O” I yell….. “come around to the front she yells back”……………..Ahhhh at last I didn’t feel so alone anymore…..At least I would possibly have some where to stay tonight, then I could take my sorry as to the Welfare department in the morning and get hooked up!!!!!!!

So I am standing out in from of this run down building on Compton Ave. And there is Eric’s wife looking at me with this shit eating grin….. She gives me a smoke and tells me she can’t let me cause Eric is not here, but he will be back any minute…..We talk about old times, and I find out that they never made it to Wisconsin…..And then Eric shows up… He is way sucked up and so is his wife for that matter… He gets out and grabs my ass and we’re all smiles……His boss comes up and Eric makes up some fucking lie about who I am etc., to cover up the fact that I am dressed in all white, and look like a fucking escaped mental patient!!!!!!
So we go inside and sit down and Eric offers me some thing to eat…. And I dig in…..Fuck I was hungry, and this is a tasty burrito!!!!!!!!…..Then we are talking and the next thing I knew Eric pulls out the sack and hooks me up… And without a second thought I load up the pipe and take off!!!!!!!!!!!!
At once I am spinning like a top, my mouth is running like a run away train and it is like I those 90 days in jail, my prop 36 probation or the fact that if I got busted I could go to prison for around 12 years didn’t even matter…. And I guess as long as I was high it didn’t! So we sit up all night and talk about nothing and everything… See tweakers have a way of telling grand lies, and basically making everything they say sound like it is the most important thing in the whole world……..So after a few more hours the sack is empty, and I need to relax for a bit before I have to go to the Welfare Department… That alone will be an all day affair…… Heh! I will be tweaking my ass off in a County building and wearing a fucking County Jail jumpsuit!!!!! what balls I have!!!!!!

So I stretch out on a piece of the floor in another room and zone out until daylight…. Then I get on the bus and head out to the Welfare Department. So I make it to the Welfare office and after an 8 hour waiting game they hook me up with food stamps, bus tokens, and a motel. And the way the county runs I even get a few bucks in cash to top it off!!!! So I head out like a fetus to the local check cashing spot, I get my food stamps and sell half of them to get some cash…..Buy some smokes, then take off on the bus to my motel….Ahhhhhh yes some where to crash and get a plan together, but that fucking takes a dive when I get to the place and they won’t give me a room cause I don’t have any I.D.!!!!!!!! Fuck this kills the whole plan!!! So I bail back to Eric’s place and end up staying there for the night. I got some cash so Eric goes to his connect and gets us a big sack, and some food.
And on the story goes….. Eric comes back with the sack and some food… And after wolfing down another burrito, I begin smoking my life away as if I that was all there was left in this world for me!

After smoking death all night long, I bum a shirt from Eric, and take off for the county jail….. They have the clothes I was busted in and a few meager possessions and I want them back! It never occurred to me that I may get busted for being loaded… And to tell you the truth, I didn’t really care. So far my life hadn’t been such a grand adventure and looking at it from where I was at the time….I felt as if that was all I would ever be, and so I may as well go out like a smoking gun…..I tweak my ass all the way to 450 Bauchet Street like a straight arrow and get my clothes…. This was all I owned, and even though the clothes were shabby, they meant something to me, then I make my way back to the Welfare office to get a new motel room…… I high step into the Welfare office like I am a fucking hero….. I got a pair of smelly levies cut off and hemmed at the ankles, a cool Green Hell tee-shirt, and a pair of stolen hi-top tennis shoes on….And last but not least my Black-Fly sunglasses!!!!! I am so fucking cool!!!!!!!!!! So in no time I get a new motel voucher and head off to some low bottom motel in San Pedro…….By the time I make it there I still have some cash, and a small amount of dope…. But that isn’t gonna hold me!!! but I know I gotta make my appointment to the prop 36 office and I can’t be loaded when I get there….So I smoke the rest of my sack and chill out…. The next day I make it to the office and they do the paper work and give me an appointment to come back…… And while I am there I remember my moms cell phone number….. When I get back to the motel I call her number, and I get this long answering machine message from my mom saying she moved to Michigan, and that my friend Nima was going to help me, and I just needed to call him and he would bring me some money…….. My stomach sank when I heard my mom had moved to Michigan…… I was feeling truly all alone and this answering machine message just confirmed it!!!!!!! All I could think about was getting high, so I called Nima and he came over and gave me $200.00 and bought me some food, and gave me a back pack to hold all of my stuff in and he was off and gone as fast as he showed up….. I guess it was easy to see that I was a loser and people that are doing good and have a life don’t want to be around people like me….. So now I was alone still, but I had $200.00 and some smokes and a full stomach and I was gonna get some shit!!!!!

With in 30 minutes I had an 8 ball of speed, a new pipe, a couple lighters, and I was off to my room to kill time, and see the world………
So like 3 days later i’m spinning like a top, all I can do is smoke speed and jerk off!!!!!!
Death and sex seem to go so well together……….I only come out of my room to buy beer, and smokes…. And I walk, talk, and act like the living dead……And soon enough as any tweaker will tell you, if you stay up long enough the voices and auditory hallucinations will take over…. And they did!!!!! I don’t fear the voices, they’re my only friends….. What I fear is that the words just might be true…… But like a good tweaker I fend them off by doing the only thing you can do…….Keep on smoking!!!!!!!!!!