The Megaphone of destiny
Another night here in my bedroom, sitting in my arm chair looking about.
I chain smoke, surf the hundred of so cable channels, and check my email,
and realize this is what i have been doing for about 4 years or so…..
I don’t expect anyone to stop by after business hours……
I have grown tired of hoping and dreaming, and it seems easier to
expect the obvious than to even fool myself into thinking I one day may
lead a normal life! Heh! I actually think that I have been all alone for so long now that
my worth to the opposite sex is rapidly diminishing…..
much like water evaporates; it slowly disappears until there is nothing left!
Tick Tock….. light up a cigarette,
Tick Tock….. drink some coffee, change on the the channel on the TV
On and on…. Time moves on and nothing has changed except I am one day closer to death!
At this particular low point, the megaphone of destiny bellows the haunting words of Joan….
“Pay Back is a mother fucker!”……. of my Mother…..”You’re going to die all alone and miserable!”…. and other random words of others i have had tucked away for untold years. I used to wish i could go back in time and start allover again.. thinking I would take back with me all of the hard learned lessons that insanity and stupidity have cut into me…. but i am sure that if i were to go back in time that nothing would change other than i would end up in the heap i presently call my life.
Of the people i see around me; they seem outwardly to have a solid grasp on life, and posses a fortune of family and interpersonal bonds that make me wonder how a person makes them self available to those things…how do I change myself to become available to women…..Then i think that the real problem is that i have set my standards to high, setting myself up for failure…. but then the more i think about it all the more i lose the drive …….. maybe some people can only fuck up, while others blossom and bloom……Well this flower is dry… time for more coffee………………………………………..
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