Razor Blades, Blisters and Time

Somewhere in the shadows I know she is out there, I feel her when my heart replays the tender moments we have shared together….
In my secret heart, there is longing to kiss her lips, to tell her how I have loved for her what seems an eternity
One touch, one caress, that could speak the words my mouth could never utter!
Still her aura lingers and I hear her speak to me…..The words of wanting, desire, passion and romance….Then crash down the ugly words of reality…..She doesn’t love me..I repulse her, And my name will never pass her lips as those of love!

Wearing the mask of another, I woe her gently, and she sings to my heart with her longing for such passion. She is weak and offers her heart. Her words expose her tenderness, her wanting… My heart is heavy…….. I know I must end this game and let her fall back into the miserable loneliness that has consumed us both so long ago………But my guise wears thin and she is soon gone in disgust!
Guilt, torment, and remorse plague my days……
My foolish heart….. Could I think to fool her so, to tempt her with the beautiful words of passion that forever no one has fulfilled, Could I touch her heart with romance, fool her with desires, The emotions she confessed to me long ago…..Could any one see her beauty as I do and long to hold her close as I do every night deep in my dreams??????
She is physically gone from my life now….. But when I close my eyes, when I think of her…. She appears and she loves me…..
I smell the sweet scent of her body, I can feel the softness of her touch….. Her warmth, and her words confess her heart…….
ummmm She loves me……
She loves me as long as I close my eyes and think of her somewhere beyond this world…………………………………………………….

My memories blow past me like the wind from a stale room…….Each face and gesture reminds me of a tender moment I spent, and now know I will never get back.
Every where I turn I remember my past, and it haunts me to know the real ugly truth…… That dirty truth that we hide away and only take out of its smelly stained box late at night, when we are sure no one is looking……………You know, that low down truth that spits back at us the bile we so desperately need to know we’re no good, and there isn’t anything that we can do to change it!!!!!
Forwards and backwards, I remember the names of familiar face I see in my head and quietly wonder how they are doing…..The show plays on all night if I let it….In and out my shit bag radio gasps and moans the blasts from the past……I would change the station but they’re all the fucking same….Each speckled with her name…. Her voice, and I know it is just an imaginary plaything I use to help me sleep at night.
Still I talk to her like she was lying right be side me and I romance the thoughts…….
Then the awful reality kicks in and I am just as alone as the minute before and nothing is ever gonna change that.
Sometimes I wonder what is the real driving force behind a persons actions and ultimate destiny are… Did I miss a given opportunity some where on my filthy path????? Did I blow past the stop sign and not read the warning?????? Is this just a cosmic brain wreck that will cost me the actual future I was supposed to realize??????
Fuck it I mutter as I take that last deep breath before committing metal suicide and fall into another sleep…. I call it another sleep cause I don’t actually dream any more, or maybe I just don’t remember dreaming… But I know this…. If I am dreaming, it can’t be good…. It can’t!!!!!! because how could you dream something good and not ever feel good when you wake up or remember a small part of it???????? How can you pretend not to feel a bit of the those good feelings that come from dreaming the good dream????

Maybe because dreams are the reflections of whats in your heart????? Maybe stars are the beautiful eyes of the one you love…..
Could it be possible that after you sink so far down into the mire of ugly that all you have left are waking and not waking moments??????
Or is it just fading…….. Faded……………………………………………………………………………
gone??????????????

The war in my head…. Screams it is OK to feel less than everyone else…..It tells me you don’t give a shit about me and I shouldn’t show you how I really feel, cause you will only laugh anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The war in my head….. Never fails to remind me that I for as long as I can remember, I have always been a fuck up and that is all I will ever be!…….My war blares constantly the half truths of my existence like the radio station of the damned……To tune it out means to feel the loneliness of the small hours
The war in my head dreams of passion I will never taste, of a life that lingers just beyond my grasp………………My war romances the touch of another that offers lasting beauty, but rings of pain eternal once I hold it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The war in my head knows honesty, goodness, and love… But only as passing capsules of longing that burst out the static of my reality and the knowing that they are only the dreams of the lost!
The war in my head lives thru the wonder of the world as seen in the bright lights of Hollywood Technicolor dreams………
My war is warped, twisted… jagged and distorted memories of the history of my life, and the misplaced words I always meant to say but never knew how until it was too late.
The war in my head weighs the relief of death and the price of letting all wash away……
Sometimes my war speaks in my defense to those I have hurt as the retched lawyer in a mental criminal court…..I hear the words of those I love speak as if to say they somehow want me to win my case, but never seem to appear
My war…… My dreams, my secret desires…… All seem so real, and possibly part of the foreseeable future, then they disappear as swiftly as they were once sweetly on my lips…………………………………..
The war in my head….. Knows that prices will be paid for all of my actions, no matter how I live my life today………..
My war… My life…..My passion, my dreams…….. My joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I think of you……
I hear music softly playing,
I close my eyes and you appear, and I feel you close to me,
Silently I breathe, and taste the heat of your kiss.
You whisper my name, and I see your face,
And hold your hand as we walk slowly in the summer rain.
When I think of you……
Shadows disappear, and I wonder at the softness of your skin,
I hold you close and together we drift,
One kiss, one breath, and one heart.
When I think of you……
I tell you all of my secrets, and when I cry you kiss my tears away,
Your gentle embrace shows me you understand,
And you smile as I run my fingers though your hair.
When I think of you……
You are smiling when I wake you in the morning,
And your eyes are shining when kiss your lips at night.
I miss you the moment you are not with me,
And then I thank God for the day he brought you into my life.

Forever
Is timeless, like a kiss…….
Gentle like a warm summer breeze.
More than a word, endless and enduring,
Like a tender embrace that leaves your heart longing for another.
Forever
Is the sweet essence of all things,
Which begin with an inviting look, but end with soldering passion.
Each day, in every way is new and wonderful…
But much more than each day before,
No two alike but each none less than perfect.
A touch, a kiss, 3 simple words…..
The very thought of holding you close.
Forever
Each second passes so quickly,
That my heart beats only,
To remind me of how much I love you,
And that I want you, I need you……
In my life……
Forever

Softness quieter than the ear can hear,
Warmth that only the hands can feel.
The tiny whisper of your breath at night,
A gentle song dancing in your eyes.
Memories, moments, found in each others arms,
A gentle kiss that captures the soul.
Laughter, love and happiness that never ends,
When two hearts join to beat as one.

When you are down and feeling blue,
And it seems you just can’t smile any more.
Close your eyes, and think of warmth,
Soft kisses in the moonlight,
A gentle caress, laughter in the rain,
Look up to the sky, close your eyes
For all I want to be are sweet sunshine kisses on your lips

A man like me holds he feelings deep inside,
For he is afraid that you will see him cry and laugh.
A man like me once knew love,
But he was foolish and let it slip away.
A man like me dreams every day,
That love will softly call his name.
A man like me has seen beautiful wonders,
But were never his to touch.
A man like me was blessed,
The day you came into his life.
Only a man like me can never forget,
To tell you that he loved you the moment he looked into your eyes!

Another cigarette, and 24 hours gone
Days mostly empty, forever searching
Now longing for the next sweet word
Wishful, hoping, longing…………………
One touch, one kiss, and maybe a lifetime
Miles apart, but now drawn close only by the
Promise of wonderful release that
Conquers all, One Love, one Heart forever

With every breath I take!
I used to wonder when I would know the beautiful wonders of life……
Could I, would I even know love when it called my name…
When I reached out to feel the warmth of its embrace would love know and push me away
When I saw beauty, would it run cold from my touch…
Should I be kissed, would it be true…
Would sweetness sour from my reflection,
Would I be doomed to forever walk alone, and should fear scream at me would I run away.
Of these questions I did not know.
Then you called my name and it was you…
You held me in your arms and I was safe.
My eyes held your beauty and I was warm
My reflection shimmered in the warmest rays of your sweet kiss.
And when fear rose near you made me laugh until loneliness went away.
I opened my mouth to speak, and words would not utter,
My heart had spoken them for me.
For it was you……….

To the one these words were confessed to: I may be judged and comdemned by those who do not understand, None the less, I stand guilty of only being not good enough or never having the strengh to speak them directly…..And for that I accept the price required, and will never utter such words ever again………………………………………………………………………