Got smokes, and bad breath
This entry is from Blogger posted 7/6/2005
Just got back from the market, got 2 packs of camels, and a bottle of diet coke(I’m a diabetic now!) I hate going out in public sometimes, I get the feeling I was born in the darkness, cause I never was a morning person, but since I am sober now for like 2 and half years, you gotta do what you gotta do! I live in the sticks in Northern Michigan, and I tell you this town is like 10 years behind the times!!!!!
So I get my smokes and a coke and go to the checkout lane, and the girl there gives me a once over…..Fuck like she was a fucking hottie anyway…. But I check her out, no ass, no tits and a fresh looking upper lip from some waxing or a quick shave, and that look that says “you know you want me” …. Yes baby I want you….. I want you to take my fucking money so I can go back home. I give her my money and get in the car and rush back home. I am a webmaster and I have some fucking lamer sending my network spoofed emails with virus attachments. I can’t have this fucking L33t ass munch wannabe infecting my network. This idiot isn’t too smart anyway, I got his IP from the email header, and as soon as I get finished here, I will log on to my fave yahoo chat room and get the regs to start a DDOS exploit on his rat ass network!!!!
Anyway….. This is my way of venting… I don’t expect anyone to find it, and if some is reading this…. Then cool……. I just need somewhere to release the words that are rattling in my head…
so if you read my profile, you must be wondering how people get hooked on drugs and go to jail and do sick shit…. Well if I had all the answers I would have a TV show like Oprah, and that doctor fag she used to have on her show…. What is his name????? Oh yeah Dr. Phil….. What a fucking joke…. The way I see it, if I had some real problems, and I was trying to take care of them, I wouldn’t go a fucking TV show to let the whole world know I was cheating on my wife or a closet pole smoker. Heh! Shit I have never been married, I have dated like 4 girls in my whole like and I never had a girlfriend long enough to even think about cheating on her…. I don’t think I would have anyway….I ain’t no saint, and I have done lots of shitty stuff, but I always considered myself lucky to have a girlfriend, so cheating wasn’t part of my plan.
So how do people get hooked on drugs???? It is easy, drugs fill a void that nothing else fills. Some people fill their void with food, sex, and booze, and some fill it with dope. As for me.. Dope and booze all the way!
I had a crappy life growing up…. My dad died when I was a real young boy, and mom was not equipped to deal with the loss of her Husband, she did the best she could to take care of me and my sister with what she had to work with. My dad was had a good life insurance policy so we had money and all of the basics, good food, clothes, and love, but for me it wasn’t enough for me…. I think I was a fuck up from the time I was born, cause I did all kinds of stupid shit before my dad died, when I was six I lost my shoes, and no one could find them…. My mom and dad looked all over the house and they were gone!!!! I know about this because one time in my moms total desperation over my me running away she read a letter my dad sent while he was away at work. The crux of the letter was he didn’t know what he was going to do with me, since losing my shoes, I was also kicked out of school for biting the shit out of a kid at school. My mom has cried a lot of tears over the shit I have done, and the letter she was reading was about stuff I had done when I was six!!! Anyway.. Like most movies on the subject.. I met a group of young slackers who did drugs, and I proceeded to trash my life with drugs & crime, and hate, and also I might add the lives of my family and assorted loved ones I met while on the way. To this day My grandfather on my mothers side of the family doesn’t want shit to do with me, as far as he is concerned I am low life loser dope fiend! In many ways I guess he is right. Since I moved here to Michigan it kills me to know he lives like 15 minutes away from my apartment, and he would rather stuff flaming marbles up his ass than see me!!! I don’t blame him at all….. I stole from, lied and hurt everyone in my family… And now that I am sober I can’t expect the world to go..”Welcome back Son we missed you!!!!” but what really hurts is that my grandmother died before I got a chance to make an amends to her. I was her first grandchild and she spoiled me when I was a young boy, she was a seamstress, and she made me and my sister clothes, and did all the stuff that grandmothers do for their grandchildren. And she died not knowing I had gotten sober, and I never got to tell her I was so sorry for all I had done to her and my grandfather. If you know about 12 step recovery, then you know that making amends for our wrongs is paramount to staying sober……I have made some amends to people that I have wronged, because I want to stay sober, but not being able to make amends to my grandmother tears me up…….. I won’t get loaded over it… Shit I am done getting loaded, but you know when I think about all the good she and my grandfather did for me it ties my guts in a knot!!!!!!! The really ugly thing is that for about 15 or 16 years I ran through peoples lives like a fucking freight train, and I never stopped to look back. Now that I am older, and sober, and more importantly, in touch with a higher power I wonder why I had to always take it to the fucking limit.. Right to the edge before I got sober…. I have wasted over half of my 42 years on killing myself and pissing on the love and caring of everyone in my life…… And I will never be able to make it all right!!!
………….. Late
In the small hours, loneliness thunders, slowly killing the light of all things good,
The war in my head…. Screams it is OK to feel less than everyone else…..It tells me you don’t give a shit about me and I shouldn’t show you how I really feel, cause you will only laugh anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a fucking story about 3 punk rock files stuck in a world of shit……The first fly was older than the other 2 and usually a loner, and he always felt like an outsider….. His shit was his shit and that is all there was to it….You might say he was his own fly and didn’t fucking care about nothing…..He wandered the streets, got fucked up all the time, went to prison and ended up behind the orange curtain. One day the first fly was living in this shithole in OC and he met the second fly….This second fly was younger, and wild…. He liked the wild side of life and had landed in the cesspool just like the older fly…..He didn’t fit in and lived on rage and all the shit he could get!!!!!!!!!!! So somehow they became friends and struck out in the mess that was their world. These 2 flies lived the wild life…..They flew hard, and did what the fuck they wanted and all they gave a fuck about was whatever was part of their world, which wasn’t really much. Both flies ended up living in a crash pad in the cool part of OC together and got jobs to make ends meet, and they partied and chased young easy female flies that would give them what they wanted and who were easy to dump when they got bored with them. It wasn’t too long after that the older fly got hooked up with a few other underground flies and learned how to clip wings, which was really popular among the underground fly world in OC and soon after he got to be one of the most popular wing clippers, and then he could party harder for free all the time cause all of the cool clubs wanted this cool fly at their parties, and that wasn’t all….. He soon was able to mate with hot young female files and act like a bigshot punk rock fly, cause he was part of the cool crowd!!!!! So the older fly flew hard and partied like a punk rock star, and hung out and mated with sexy young female flies and he and his bro lived the cool life…..Their pad was a real shit heap, and they somehow got the female files they had to clean up their shit and do what ever they wanted………For them life was cool and what more was there????? One night the older cool fly was at one of the coolest underground shithole clubs clipping wings to promote he and his partners clip joint! This hot female fly came up and wanted her big female front wings clipped, and at first the older fly didn’t want to do it in the club. He and his partner from the clip joint were sure this would cause a stir with all of the drunk male flies there and it could end up being a problem….Well the sexy female fly wouldn’t take no for an answer and so she got what she wanted……The old fly had business savvy and was planing a cool business card to help promote he and his partners clip joint, so he approached the female fly and convinced her to pose topless for him so he could take pictures of her for his new business card. So the sexy female fly posed for the older fly and he took some really awesome pictures for his new business card and as soon as they passed them out the female fly was the most popular female fly in the clip joint scene, and somehow she and the older fly became friends and hung out together and talked on the phone alot and the older fly even took her and her cool roommate to the cool clubs as his guest and they drank and partied for free with all of the other cool flies. The older fly really liked this hot sexy fly and he wanted her… But he wasn’t stupid and he knew she was not into him and liked a different kind of flies, this old fly was too proud to let her know he wanted her, cause he didn’t want to be rejected so he just stayed friends with her and soon she started spending lots of time hanging out with him……. This female fly was not like the other female flies that he and his bro messed around with…. She was different, but in a really good way.. She was smart, and very attractive, kind, and the kind of fly that all of the male flies wanted to mate with……..Maybe the older fly liked her so much because she had a wild naughty side to her, but still wasn’t a slutty fly…… It wasn’t long till the older fly introduced this sexy female fly to his roommate and somehow the three of them became good friends and now they were 3 flies in a world of shit!!!!!!!! I have to point out that the older fly and the female fly spent a lot of time talking on the phone together and hanging out and she became his front girl when he opened his own clip joint. Nobody knows why but every fly she dated treated her bad and hurt her….. She was an honest and faithful girl fly, and if you got to know her you would find out that she was as into mating with male flies as male flies were… She would only mate if she was dating a fly, but all of the flies she dated always cheated on her or hurt her……And I guess you could say she would always be a sad girl fly after that. As it would happen shorty after the older fly and the sexy girl fly became friends, the sexy girl fly began spending weekends at the 2 flies pad, and and soon nature took over and now the younger fly and the sexy girl fly started mating……The older fly was good at holding his mud if you know what I mean, but it did hurt him a little that the girl fly liked his younger bro, but he wasn’t a dumb fly, he knew his kind of fly never got the really good girl flies, so he did what he did best…..He partied more, and sought out the easy girl flies and never let on how much he really liked the sexy girl fly……. So time marches on and the 3 flies are the best of friends, and like the irresponsible files the two male flies were they got kicked out of their pad, and lived for a short time in a sleezy motel until the younger fly found a better place to stay and moved out……By this time the older fly was moving from one shitty motel to another…..Partying as much as he could and just doing what he did before he became friends with the younger fly……Which was really nothing good if you must know……..And again for some reason he and the girl fly were still friends, and she would hang out with him alot… And the two of then continued to go to the cool parties and do what night time party files did!!!!!!!! This girl fly was the best friend a low down fly like the older fly could ever want….She was easy to talk to and cared about her friends…….. But all good things usually end quickly with the old fly… He couldn’t take being now hated by all of the other clip joints and other wing clippers in the scene and so he dropped off the scene as fast as he dropped in, and just kept on partying alone which is what he was doing when he met the younger fly. The 3 of them slowly stopped talking, and hanging out, and they drifted apart…. And each fly went their separate ways………. Things got uglier for the older fly and he was in and out of trouble, while the younger fly became more responsible, found steady work, and even started dating a girl fly that was older than him, and then being the bitch fly she was dumped the young fly for no good reason……The older fly still talked to the young fly and as soon as he found out they hung out for a while and then the young fly did what he always did…. He traveled around and just did his thing. The Sexy girl fly continued to date loser flies and they always hurt her… But one day she met and fell in love with what she thought at the time was a good slightly older guy fly that upon first meeting seemed like a such a good fly, this made the always sad girl fly so happy, and she even went and saw the old fly and introduced her fly boyfriend to the older fly…….Then he got the girl fly pregnant and then they got married……..And then he turned into the dirty cheating and no good fly that he always was….. And once again the girl fly was again sad, but this time she a baby fly to take care of, and till the very end she tried to make her marriage work and she continued to love and care for that rotten loser fly she had married, while she raised her small baby fly mostly alone! You know this girl fly was such a good friend that when she found out her old fly friend was living on the streets and had no where to go, she talked with her no good fly husband and they agreed to let the the old fly stay with them for a while so he could get his wings straight again, but this turned out to be a bad idea because the old fly couldn’t stop doing shit, and then he crossed the line when he told the now married girl fly he loved her, this was hard for the girl fly, because she was married, and she never felt about the old fly like that…….But this girl fly was still a good fly friend and even though she was so sad, she was sweet to her old fly friend and told him he was a good fly friend and she always wanted him for a friend, but she didn’t love him like that, and besides she was a married fly now!!!!!!! And while this was happening the old fly became close with his female friends young baby fly….. This now married girl fly really liked the old fly alot, he was until recently a good friend and she made her baby fly’s middle name the same as her confused old fly friends name……The old fly had a soft spot for her and her baby fly and he helped her when he could with her baby fly because her fly husband was hardly home as he was a road fly, and she needed some help….. In some ways the old fly was helpful, but since he made is unwanted feelings known this put undue stress on his female fly friend and soon she kicked her old fly friend out, because this was more than she could deal with since her fly husband was no good and cheated on her, and did very little to help her raise and support their baby fly…….. And so the old fly was gone doing what he always did….Nobody really knows cause he was always a loner fly, but most are sure what ever it was it was no good anyway, but more importantly the girl fly was still alone trying hard to raise her baby fly and make her marriage work……..She was a good fly wife who loved her baby fly, but the lack of love and support from her cheating fly husband would eventually force her to leave him and move in with her parents so she could find a job and take care of her baby fly and raise him to grow up to be a good fly……. So now all three flies are flying alone, each in their own world…The girl fly left her no good cheating fly husband and took her baby fly to live with her parents, found a job and is still mostly sad, but as always a good, honest, and faithful girl fly, and now a good fly mom!!!…..The younger fly actually landed long enough to find and marry a good girl fly he met….. And now lives with his new fly wife, and works hard everyday, and seems to be the happiest guy fly in the world…..The now older old, bitter and rusty fly eventually got responsible enough to start a small business far away from the other two flies and lives alone. He works alot to keep his mind off of all the time he wasted in his mostly no good fly life, and even though he still talks to both of his fly friends and still secretly wishes he was with his good girl fly friend and her baby fly, goes to work everyday, and leaves the shit alone……. Cause after all it is fucking shit!!!! So this is the story of 3 files…..1 really good girl fly, 1 married guy fly, and 1 old salty fly….They are still friends to this day, and if you ask them they will tell you mostly funny and good stories about one another… Even the old hard headed fly… Who even tho was a rude and mean fly still managed to keep the other 2 flies as his friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
