Archive for July, 2005

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Am I Crazy, but why does it hurt when I feel?????

Published July 29th, 2005 in The Blogger Entries | No Comments »

Head in my hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here I am again…..
I don’t what it is but after I posted the last entry on this blog, I have gotten at least one phone call a day from some one looking for a woman named Joan!!!!
and yesterday I got 3 phone calls from people and telemarketers all wanting to talk to Joan!!! They don’t ask for her by her last name, they just say…

Hello this is bla bla bla…… Is Joan there?????


OK, so this is like a coincidence I think… But then again I think maybe it is some cosmic slap in the face, saying…
HEY FUCKER WAKE UP JOAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR SOULMATE.. BUT YOU FUCKED UP SPARKY!!!!!!!!
After the 3rd call I was sooooo pissed off, cause I kept telling them that no one name Joan lives here and to remove my number from their database, then the phone rings and it’s her… Is this a fucking joke??? why the hell would she be calling me???? Is this God’s way of saying here is your payback fucker for all the crappy shit you have done in you life???? I was caught off guard……The next thing I am thinking …I wish she was my wife….I wish she was in the next room, I wish she was calling from the store asking me what I wanted for dinner….. It all ran thru my head, and as soon as we started talking……That ugly empty feeling took over and I knew that all of that stuff would never happen, and then the next feeling took over….. It is better to talk to her long distance, and hear her voice then to not ever get to talk to her!!!!! and then I am happy and miserable all at the same time!!!!
to give you a little more background on Joan and myself….. About 3 or 4 years ago I told her how I felt for her, and that I loved her, and that I wished that I was her husband, and the father of her son. Joan was kind to me.. She said she didn’t feel that way about me, and they she never did and never will….. And another time when the topic came up… She said I was creeping her out, and that she wasn’t attracted to me….. well that really made my day……I know I am not the best looking guy in the world, but fuck it sux that I creep women out!!!! It must be the desperation in my voice, the lack of personal skills one needs to have a intimate relationship with women in general??????? I don’t know… It just hurts…. And to compound matters, she still wants to call me, and she asks why I haven’t called or emailed her in such a long time????????? I told her that I was just putting space between us, and I reminded her of my feelings for her, and that she said I creeped her out and such, and she went on to say that that is how she feels, and she still wants to be friends… Fuck, that makes me feel like the lesser of 2 evils!!!!!! and still I wanted to talk to her; in the dump truck of my heart I secretly hoped she would change her mind and love me!!!!!!!!!!

This exactly the way I felt when I was shooting dope. You know deep down in the back of your mind that this isn’t good for you, that is going to kill you in the end, but you hope, wish, pray that somehow it will get better. But the truth of the matter is that it is a deadly addiction, and that is only gonna get worse, and sooner or later it will kill you…………………..

Fuck it you tell your self, and off you go……………………………………………

When does it go away???????

Published July 12th, 2005 in The Blogger Entries | No Comments »

Dreams, obsessions ………………..
Obsessions and dreams!
Dreams of never
I been on the night shift for such a long time now….I own my own company, so it is really easy for me to work my own hours!
So being the total slacker that I am, I work at night and sleep most of the day away…I am building some webpages for one of my sites, and while I work I play music from my extensive mp3 collection. I like mood music, so I got play lists to motivate me…… My favorite is a nice collection of oldies, and classic rock stuff like Jackson Browne, Janis Joplin, and cool stuff like that! So I am working, busting out webpage code, and “Talk of the town” by the Pretenders starts playing…..
I don’t know if it’s cause I am a bedroom musician or what, but when I heard the words, they suddenly hit me and I felt like they are actually talking about how I am feeling about something……

Such a drag to want something sometime
One thing leads to another I know
Was a time wanted you for mine
Nobody knew
You arrived like a day
And passed like a cloud
I made a wish, I said it out loud
Out loud in a crowd
Everybody heard
‘Twas the talk of the town

It’s not my place to know what you feel
I’d like to know but why should I?
Who where you then? Who are you now?
Common laborer by night, By day highbrow
Back in my room I wonder then I
Sit on the bed, Look at the sky
Up in the sky
Clouds rearrange
Like the talk of the town

Maybe tomorrow, Maybe someday
Maybe tomorrow, Maybe someday
You’ve changed, Your place in this world
You’ve changed, Your place in this world

Oh but it’s hard to live by the rules
I never could and still never do
The rules and such never bothered you
You call the shots and they follow
I watch you still from a distance then go
Back to my room you never know
I want you, I want you but now
Who’s the talk of the town?

Maybe tomorrow, Maybe someday
Maybe tomorrow, Maybe someday
You’ve changed, Your place in this world
You’ve changed, Your place in this world
Talk of the town -
The Pretenders

So like a blast from the past….. I start thinking about this girl I met in 1997 when I was body piercer. Her name is Joan. I was working in a popular OC Nightclub with a popular radio station. The radio station sent DJ’s to the club and they played cool music, and pretty much pumped up the club to keep everyone spending cash and drinking….. I had made friends with the top DJ at the station and he started promoting my Body Piercing shop with free radio ads and my crew worked the club performing Body Piercing for the crowd. We were popular, and me and my partner were cleaning up on the publicity, and of course the cash, and this led to me becoming friends with all of the other DJ’s!!!!!!! I didn’t drink while I was working, but as soon as last call came I would get 3 or 4 double drinks and power them down with a straw, then go about securing a free take home bottle from the bartender or one of the bar maids…. I was really popular with the club so they would always hook me up!

So one night the club is extra crowded, there is some big promo going on and one of the other popular DJ’s was there and he was buzzed, and really working the club.. He was giving away cool stuff like snowboards, and shit like that… So he comes over to our booth and starts talking to the club crowd on his wireless Mic… He is telling them he is going to give away a cool prize to the next person who gets a wild body piercing!!!!! This gets the crowd going, and a mass of them rush over to our booth. I had like 6 or 7 guys from my shop watching out for us, and running crowd control while we pierced people…. But we were quickly overwhelmed by close to 100 people all asking for prices, etc…….. We only liked to do simple stuff at the club, since it was really dirty at the club and we had limited resources with us. So we get rid of most of the people there, my partner comes to me and he wants me to talk to this chick that wants her nipples pierced. I don’t pierce female nipples at the club cause we don’t have any privacy and seeing a topless woman at the club could be a real pain in the ass since this was a get drunk and try to score type of atmosphere, and topless women and drunk guys don’t mix very well!!!! My first impression of Joan was she was a little bitchy and kinda pushy…. I told her I didn’t want to do her piercing at the club, and I explained to her the reasons, I offered her a discount coupon to use at my shop, but she wanted them done tonight!!! She wanted them done tonight and she only wanted large gauge jewelry!!!!! fuck she was pissing me off! I almost told her no, but she was OK with people seeing her topless, and my partner was going to do the piercings, so I would run crowd control and we’d make some more cash!!!!!

After Joan was finished we were talking and I was drawn to her….. She was a hottie and she acted like she didn’t know it! Heh! I was working on the shops business card and we were looking for a sexy chick to use on the card, and she was perfect for it!!!!!! she had it all… Hips, Lips, and finger tips!!!!! We talked and I asked her if she would like to pose for the card? She was into it… So I gave her my number and told her to call me…… We she did call and we did a fucking bad ass shoot. Our card was the coolest business card of any of the Tattoo or Body Piercing shops around…….And as far as I am concerned it still is the best card I have seen to this day!!!

Joan and I really hit it off… She was fun to be with and we had a lot in common…. We started talking everyday on the phone, and she would hang out with us at the club when we were working….. And soon she became my front girl at the shop……
I gotta point out that I was drinking and drugging full time….As soon as I got off work I was getting loaded and that was it!!! Joan was dating this guy and he was cheating on her……..She had called on the phone and I was talking with her about it…..She was really hurt, but she always had her shield up, if you knew her, you knew that she was hurt, but she wouldn’t cop to it!!!! I really liked her, and had I been able to stay sober I may have had an opportunity to get closer with her, and who knows maybe we would have dated.. Who knows! But I was drinking and getting loaded on a daily basis, and I had just gotten over my break up with my fiancee. So hooking up was never on my mind… Oh I would have loved to have sex with her….. But I knew deep in my heart that she didn’t want me……I knew the kind of guys she liked and I didn’t fit into that class….But we were friends nonetheless, and she was bitchen arm candy when we were at the clubs. She was the hottest chick on the scene, and that was good enough for me. I forgot the most important piece of information……Joan was a normie, and typical week end warrior, she would party Friday, and Saturday, and come Sunday she got ready for the coming work week! When I really think about it, in many ways we were total opposites, she was responsible, had her own place, had a real job, and wasn’t an alcoholic……But I guess there was a real emotional tie there, cause we spent alot of time together…….And we talked on the phone almost daily for a long time. In typical alcoholic fashion my drinking and drugging took over and soon enough I was going to rave parties so I could score ecstasy, and I was missing work, and shorty after my partner split, and then I lost my shop. It was always someone else’s fault for my problems, I always had an excuse………….And for course it didn’t get any better……. Soon after that I was living in a shit hole motel by the beach, and was working in another shop, all of my money went up my nose or in a glass……..I remember Joan finding out that I didn’t have any food, and she made a trip to my motel to bring me a ham her mom had baked and some bread so I would have something to eat….She was the kind woman who thought about others, went out of her way to help people, but when it came to her love life she dated losers, and they shitted on her!!!!!! when ever I called Joan she was there for me, and she always knew the right words to make me feel better. you know she never once asked me why I was a fuck up…She accepted me for who I was.

So time marches on and I drift off, and out of the Body Piercing scene, Joan gets married, and has baby boy….. I saw her one time when she was still pregnant, and her husband seemed like a good guy…….I am still getting loaded and have no life and she is starting a brand new marriage and will soon be a mother. I remember it like it was only a few minutes ago…. After she and her husband left, I was all alone, and I kind of starting drifting off in to the past…. I was the most popular Body Piercer in the area, I had had a featured article about me in a top Tattoo magazine, and was part of another article about the owner of an Elite Tattoo shop I had worked at in the top Tattoo magazine, plus all of the other stuff I had done, and all I had now were regrets, and a alcohol and drug problem. I wished that we still hung out together, and talked on the phone, and I wished she was my wife, and she was going to be having my baby…….. And it hit me I was in love with her, and I wished I wasn’t a fucking loser…. Maybe if I wasn’t a loser I would have something to offer her, and maybe we would have dated BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!…… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you know it was the rantings of a alcoholic…… The should of’s ,would of’s, could of’s too over and soon I was drunk off my ass. For some strange reason I was able to stay in touch with Joan, and while I drifted for another 4 or five years I thought about her. I even stayed with her and her husband for a short time, but that is another story…………

It is so funny that now I am sober, sometimes I remember those old feelings and they kinda of take over for a while…. Don’t get me wrong.. I wouldn’t trade my life today for anything……I have been sober for almost 2 and a half years now…. And even though I have had some really good times while getting loaded, they were few and far between the reality of an alcoholic…………..

2 Spoons and Freedom!

Published July 11th, 2005 in The Blogger Entries | No Comments »

I can remember it like it was yesterday…..
It’s about 8:30pm, I was staying at my moms house again, and I was trying not to get loaded….Shit, like that ever worked!
I am on my bed, and getting really sick… I missed my Methadone dose today….I forget why.
I fight it off, about an hour later I can’t handle it anymore, so I slide to the back door, and when my mom asks me where I am going, I tell her I am going to the store to get some smokes. I call a cab and sit on the bus bench at the corner, and all of a sudden I start puking my guts up….Actually, it is thick yellow bile, and it tastes like shit!!!!!

People are looking at me….. I worry about what they think for about 10 seconds, then I start puking again…..And then I don’t really give a fuck!
More yellow shit is dripping from my mouth and nose, and I don’t have anything to wipe if off with so I use the ground, The bench……….When is that cab gonna get here, fuck I am sick!!!! agggggghhhhhhhh more bile, and more people looking at me.. Fuck them I think to my self, then I scream it out loud to a passing car “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT???????” After what seems like forever, my stomach starts to relax, and I sit on the bus bench, slowly rocking back and forth, wishing the fucking cab would get here.

I was working, so I had a little money, and a good connection. Kurt usually had a issue or two at his place, and if not I would have to suck it up, and wait till his connection showed up. I should have known better, I was on 80 milligrams of Methadone a day, and shooting as much smack as I could get my hands on…..I was supposed to be getting clean, but it was easier to get on Methadone, than it was to kick one more time!!!!!
A junkies greatest fear is kicking “cold turkey”. The First day on the juice, I had to cop a dime bag to get me straight, and keep well until the the dose got into my bones. Within 2 weeks I was shooting dope again, and taking 80 milligrams of methadone a day.

Finally the cab is here!!!!!! It is a minivan, I get in the front… The lady looks at me with a mix of fear, and horror in her eyes,
I am sure I looked and smelled like shit. I tell her where I want to go, and she takes off! I light up a smoke, and she starts to say something, and I just ignore her. It is busy on the streets tonight, and all I want is to fucking get there now. My guts are rumbling, My mind is racing, the old feeling of anticipation is creeping up on me, as I feel the bile starting to rise up in the back of my throat again, fuck I hope I don’t puke in the cab!!

At last we’re there, I pay the woman, and get out, and rush over to Kurt’s garage, and slip under the partially opened door,
and squeeze past about 5 years of trash, broken toys, radios, and other crap that he had dug out of the trash!!!! As I make way to the bed where Kurt did all of his business, I saw this girl from the neighborhood, and she had a full syringe in her arm,and she is getting ready to slam that shit home!!! Stop I say!, sell me half of that, and I when my shit gets here I will hook you up real good! she knows me really well, we have scammed together before! There is blood in the rig she says, Fuck it I don’t care, I am sick as fuck I tell her. I throw $100.00 at Kurt, and say call your guy bro, I need to get well, and tell him to rush it!!!!

Kurt asks to use my cell phone, I throw it at him, and sit next to the girl as she shoots half of the shit in her arm. She hands me the rig, and I tie off… Fuck my blood pressure is really low, I hope I can find a vein!!! Shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt, I can’t get this rat assed old ring into my only good vein!!! I ask the girl to hit me, she is really good at hitting me, and she can’t hit my vein either!! Hurry I tell her I am soooooo sick! After about 3 minutes she finds a vein in my ankle. She shoots that black warm death into me. I sit up and I am sweating like crazy, and I feel really bad, worse than I have ever felt before! I light up a smoke and I feel like I am gonna puke!!!!! Nothing happens.. I am still sick as fuck…….When is your guy gonna get here I bark at Kurt!!!! Kurt picks up my phone and calls his connection. He is almost here he says hanging up the phone. 5 minutes later the guy is in the garage, and handing off the shit to Kurt!

Kurt gives me the sack, and I open it and break off a small chunk and give it to him….. Thanks bro I say, as I hand the rest to the girl to cook up. Cook it all up I say, and she gets on it!!! Junkies never argue with some one who is getting them high, especially when they are dope sick!!! She has about 3 and a half grams of black tar heroin cooked, I draw up 3 quarters of it and tie off…… I am still feeling like shit, but I know that after this issue i will be feeling a whole lot better…… I work the old nasty needle into my arm, and get the vein on the first try.

As I slam the black evil Saviour into my vein, nothing else matters, time has stopped dead in it’s tracks………..
This fucking world could come to an end, and I could care less…. I have everything I need in this wore out rig in my arm….
and I can feel it start to work!!!!! OHHHHHHHH yes!!!! I work the rig out of my arm and toss it to the girl, and she cleans it with water, and then bleach…. then draws up what I left in the spoon. Peace and joy is glowing in the garage now…..I feel so good, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I am warm all over, and feeling so fine…… I light up a smoke, and drift into the normal junkie bullshit attitude, as I tell everyone in the garage about me puking on the bus bench, as if I was somehow now proud of what had transpired during my trip to this dank, musty, dirty garage.
We sit and tell each other the cool lies that junkies tell each other after they get right, and then I bum a ride to my moms house from one of the regulars at the garage. As I get closer to moms house I work up the lie I will tell her to cover up the truth………….

One more lie, and tomorrow 2 more spoons……………

Sometimes you just gotta say FUCK!!!!

Published July 11th, 2005 in The Blogger Entries | No Comments »

This entry is from Blogger posted 7/8/2005

I need a fucking fuck key!

I been working my ass off, lately as long as I can pay my bills I feel good about being kinda broke!!!!
I just finished a data extraction job I had, and I called the customer and I was able to up-sell him on a remote data back up solution! yes!
So like my bills are all paid, and that left me with a little over $250.00 for the month and to put towards next months bills. I was feeling froggy, and I was hungry as hell, so I decided to order a pizza. I had a few contact management entries to make, I got a drink of water and was going to finish the CRM entries then order the pie… Bout the time I finished the reports my mom called and said she was going shopping, and she was going to stop at Taco Bell on the way back and did I want something? yes I replied, and she said she would get me a couple of those new burrito supreme’s. Being on tight money for the last few months, my idea of a treat was more like baloney supreme’s. So settled back into to working on my business blog, and about an hour later the phone rings and it is my mom saying she is on her way to my house and she bought me a few things while she was at the store…..I didn’t think much of it, I know she is on tighter money than I am, being disabled from a bad accident a few years back, she lives on under $600.00 a month in SSI, and $140.00 in food stamps. So mom gets to my house and I hear her close her car door from my patio, so I go to the door, and she has like 4 large grocery bags in her hand and take then thinking this is what she got at the store for herself. Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she went and did her shopping and then spent an extra $40.00 to get me stuff. It hits me really hard, for most of my life, I have done nothing but lied, abused, and stole from my mother, and no matter what a shit heal I am she still loves me…….I should be the one who is buying her things, and all I think about is, I better start making a shit load of money so I will be able to take of my mom when she is to old to take care of her self!!!!!!!!!

I am not one on preaching, but if you’re on drugs, or know someone who is, then get help, for you or them!!!!!! I have been lucky, even though I been to jail, prison and had some really fucked up experiences, I never had the really wicked shit you read about happen to me, I have had girlfriends who were raped, friends who got killed trying to score drugs on the street, and I know dozens of people who are doing life in prison right now!!!!!!……………………….I used to think I was in control and that I could handle it!!!
I am no fucking wimp, I been stabbed, shot by the cops, and had the living shit kicked outa me many times, all for the street life!!! heh! fuck that……………………….. now every time I remember all the fucked up things I did to my family, total strangers, all for drugs….. Well the guilt haunts me…. I know lots of people who are still doing drugs and they don’t care…. God help them!!!!!

nuff said… I guess I really hurt inside for all the wrong I have done in these 42 years……………..
Late

Flash back to the past!

Published July 7th, 2005 in The Blogger Entries | No Comments »

This entry is from Blogger posted 7/7/2005

OK it is like 1:15 in the morning, I been bullshitting around most of the day…..I made some phone calls for my hosting business, and got started on a data extraction project for one of my customers. That was easy….My motto is ” He who has the most software is probably a fucking geek” Money has been tight for a while, since I moved up here I have been building my business, and most people here are gun shy since most of the tech here are fucking lamers. Anyway I haven’t talked to my mom in a few days, so I called her up… I gotta tell you she is sure proud of me being sober this long. So were talking about my latest customers, and she asked me what I did for the 4th of July.. Then we got to talking about when I was kid and my dad was still alive, I could taste the sadness in her voice…. It has been over 35 years since my dad died, and you can tell from her voice that she misses him more than words will ever be able to describe!!!! and then I kinda drift off with her as she tells me how we spent the 4th… I would go with my dad to stake out the Picnic spot, and then my mom would show up and bring all the goodies she had prepared for the day…….
Then me and dad would go off and look at stuff….I can almost remember the park … It was called Salt Lake Park…… And you gotta remember that in the last 60’s the parks were clean, and always full of festive family events…So me and Pop were roaming around and see all the cool stuff… I think there was a carnival there too…..She tells me how I was so excited about the skydiver that dived at the park… Then my dad took me to see the exhibit they had set up for him!!!!!!!!! Just as I was there, all of 6 years old and full of life, me and pop, then dirty reality I have lived in for most of my life comes ozzing back…… Then I feel like shit for every fucking thing I ever did to hurt my mom, and then I wish I was the one that had died instead of my dad……I think that it would be easier to have another kid and then my baby sister would have had a dad, since she was only 4 when he died!!!!!!!!!! I was little monster anyway….. Heh!!!!!
So we talk some more and all I want to do is get off the phone and forget the conversation. My dad was a hard working honest man…
He only lived to be 29, and after he died every person who ever knew him only had good things to say about him!!!
Being I have been a 100% loser for most of life, it makes me wonder why good people always seem to get the shitty end of the stick, and the scum bags get off scott free most of the time. I tell you I have skated out of some fucking insane situations, and my dad get killed just trying to put food on the table for his family!!!!!
………………….. More later

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