How can I tell you how I feel, if I can’t tell you my name!
Another Friday night spent thinking about Joan….If I knew how to forget her I would have done so by now, wouldn’t you think??? In my head I know it is a pure waste of time and energy.. She doesn’t want me, and if she did, then I fucked it all off with my latest dash into stupidity!!!!!!!! Don’t even ask what it was that I did… My level of shame is greater than my ability to totally confess my wrong to anyone other than her at the moment… But suffice it to say after seeing the hurt and disgust in her face last week I know that all I will ever know of her beauty is locked away in my memories, and those at least can never be taken away! But in my heart, hope lives that she will see how I truly feel for her and if love does actually conquer all, then I will one day know the touch of her hand, the warmth of her kiss, and feeling of holding her in my arms………Ahhhhhh to dream……If you are going to dream then it should be the greatest dream of all!
But even as time slowly ticks one moment to the next…. I can’t get over her, or the feeling of having her love…So I write these words hoping that she will see them and love me, so I can then step from the shadows and tell her all of the words my heart has spoken to her each night while I sleep.
It seems that everything I see or do reminds me of her or a moment we had spent together long ago…….I wonder why I choose her out of all of the women I have met or dated in my life, ummm but all I have to do is remember the beauty I see in her eyes… And then it makes perfect sense!!!!!
Other times I wonder why she told me so much about her self……The private details I am sure that she never told anyone other than me…..I am sure she wanted me to know all there was about her……She made it so very easy to fall in love with her…..And at the same time impossible for her to fall in love with me………..I guess this is the age old paradox of the longing for love!!!!!!!!! Of all the men she had dated or even her ex-husband… Why hadn’t any of them ever seen the love and beauty that is so plainly visible in her eyes????? Is it my personal gift and hell all at the same time to have seen the most beautiful woman in the world and not be blessed with her kiss, her touch, her love?????? I guess that the ugliness in my heart blocks the gift of such a love……..I have been ugly for such a long time that maybe this is a my torture… To have seen the beauty of another, and know I will never hold it my hands!!!!!!!!!!! I have cast my fate to the winds….. Should I never hold her in my arms, I will gladly die alone rather than choose another……Of that I am sure
