Boom Boom…..Out go the lights
BLAMMMMM all at once I wake up and the lights are so fucking bright!!!!!!!!………..
My mouth is dry and I am confused, and I am fucking tweaking my ass off……Fuck these lights are so fucking bright, they are killing my eyes. I am accustomed to darkness and quiet.. And this fucking place is loud, and fucking too bright for me…..My head is racing, much like you would expect a tweakers head to race…HeYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy what the fuck!!!!! Reality check…What the fuck!!!!! someone is stabbing my head with something, and it fucking hurts like a mother fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in the hospital, and a nurse is standing over me, while an emergency doctor puts stitches in my head, and slowly it all sinks in….. And then I hurt all over…. God I hurt bad!!!!!!!
OK lets go backwards a bit…… It is April 25th 2001 and I have just been released form Los Angeles County Jail after 90 days, they let me go from the Long Beach court house and I am now on prop 36 probation for possession of a controlled substance….(About a gram of speed!) I am wandering around the downtown transit mall looking for someone to bum a smoke from…. Ahhh I get one one, light it up and ahhhhhh what a rush! it has been 90 days since I have had a fucking smoke and it tastes good and oh so fucking nasty all at the same time. I am dressed in a fucking all white County jail jump suit and black jail sneakers… I am a pasty pale color from being locked away in a cell most of those 90 days and I look like a fucking mental patient…. I ain’t got any money, only a fucking bus token, and no where to go.. I am homeless, hungry, scared and lonely….I really fucked up this time!!!!!! oh yes I really fucked my self this time, I lost my computer business, all of my possessions, I am on probation for 3 years, and now I am officially a 3 strike felon!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know how to get in touch with my mom or sister, being they had moved before I got busted and I didn’t know where to start looking for them…. Actually I wasn’t going to look them up… All of my life I have either been sleeping on mommy’s or sis’s couch…. And I am sure they would rather not see my fucking broke dick ass. All I can think to do is to go to North Town and see if I could run into some one I knew and maybe find a place to crash….. I had burned most of my bridges long ago, so it would be hard to hook up with a crash spot.. But fuck it I may have to sleep in the river bed until I could get to the Welfare office and sign up as homeless.. That would at least give me some food stamps and a crack motel to crash in until I got to the prop 36 check in office… I got 3 days to check in or I am in violation of my probation, and I am already a 3 striker.. And I am not cut out to do all day… So in the back of my head I plan to make the appointment!
I gotta point out that I am not thinking about getting loaded… I guess because the idea hadn’t crossed my mind yet….So I am on the Atlantic bus going to North Town and I got my eyes peeled for someone I know… Maybe I can get lucky and hook up with someone so I will have a place to crash tonight…. Fuck being in jail at least I had some where to sleep and food to eat… And as fucked as that sounds it was the best I could do at the moment and possibly the best place for me!……….People on the bus are staring at me and I fucking glare back as if to say “what the fuck are you looking at????”…….So I get off at Artesia and Downey and head to this chick I know, I bum a smoke from someone and I take off to the chicks place…. This isn’t a good idea but it the only one I got at the moment so I go with it. That fucking bitch is a tweaker too, and when I get to her place she is spinning like a top and won’t let me in.. She talks to me from the window and I know she either has a fat sack, or is fucking someone who has the fat sack and either way I am fucked……See it’s like this; if you got a big sack, you’re in, the chicks will spread on command, and everyone else will bow like you’re the fucking man!!!!!! but if you ain’t got a sack or cash for one, then you’re fucking out and that is all there is too it!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless you plan to jack someone or pull off a robbery or some other scam for some cash you’re fucking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now what?????? what the fuck am I gonna do?????? I got no cash, no where to go, and I am pretty much fucked all the way around….I go sit on the bus bench on the corner and just think… Actually I don’t think at all…… I just sit there watching people drive by, the world is whirling by and I am sitting on a fucking bus bench……I am coming from no where and going no where and that is all and there ain’t no more!
So I get up and walk back towards where my mom used to live….. I know I can hide out in the river bed by 53rd St., there are a few hobo camps there and I am sure I can score a flop spot there…. Fuck it is gonna take me forever to walk my fat ass over there….All the time people are staring at me and even the street people who run into me on my way back to 53rd look at me like I am the walking dead! Heh! maybe I am, and I just don’t know it yet….. Who fucking really cares anyway??????? So after like 30 minutes or so, and a few breaks along the way I make it to Market and Orange, looking for this chick named Misty…..Word has it she is a rat but I don’t care, I was in jail with her man and he said I could crash there for a while, I think he wanted me to keep tabs on her ass and keep all the homeboys outta her panties… Shit like I even give a fuck if she was a fucking bag ‘ho…. I just needed a place to stay….Fuck she isn’t there, she is at work at some shit hole bar on Downey and South… And I am not gonna go back there to see if I can score a place to crash…. So once again I am fucked!!!!! so I wander back to the street, and I run into this guy I met with my road dog Eric…He hits me up and I tell him I just got out…. I bum a smoke and then he tells me that Eric and his old lady are in some vacant business in Compton!!!!!! Compton???? yes he tells me, Eric is working for the owner of the building and there are staying there. Fuck how am I gonna get there I think???? I hit him up for some change for the bus and he don’t have any…. But he does have a bus token so I beat feet to the bus stop and head to Compton…. Of all places… I am sleeved down with tattoos, got Lightning Bolts on my arm and my head is shaved clean and shiny…. Fuck am I fucking crazy???? I guess I am … I get on the bus and the next thing I know is I am on Atlantic and Alondra Blvd…..I got to walk to Compton Blvd and it is like a 15 minute walk and straight thru Crip territory, but fuck it wasn’t like I was scared.. I always went where I wanted to go and my thing was as long as I always acted like I belonged where ever I was, then everything would be OK……So I make it to the place where Eric was staying and the place was empty, and quiet…. The doors were all metal and it didn’t look like anyone was there…. I had to piss, so I go around back to the alley, and after pissing I see an open window…. I go to it and I hear a radio playing music… So I fucking yell right in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! ERIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY ERIC YOU THERE????? and then I hear Eric’s woman’s voice saying “who is it????”…. “IT’S ME ROB-O” I yell….. “come around to the front she yells back”……………..Ahhhh at last I didn’t feel so alone anymore…..At least I would possibly have some where to stay tonight, then I could take my sorry as to the Welfare department in the morning and get hooked up!!!!!!!
So I am standing out in from of this run down building on Compton Ave. And there is Eric’s wife looking at me with this shit eating grin….. She gives me a smoke and tells me she can’t let me cause Eric is not here, but he will be back any minute…..We talk about old times, and I find out that they never made it to Wisconsin…..And then Eric shows up… He is way sucked up and so is his wife for that matter… He gets out and grabs my ass and we’re all smiles……His boss comes up and Eric makes up some fucking lie about who I am etc., to cover up the fact that I am dressed in all white, and look like a fucking escaped mental patient!!!!!!
So we go inside and sit down and Eric offers me some thing to eat…. And I dig in…..Fuck I was hungry, and this is a tasty burrito!!!!!!!!…..Then we are talking and the next thing I knew Eric pulls out the sack and hooks me up… And without a second thought I load up the pipe and take off!!!!!!!!!!!!
At once I am spinning like a top, my mouth is running like a run away train and it is like I those 90 days in jail, my prop 36 probation or the fact that if I got busted I could go to prison for around 12 years didn’t even matter…. And I guess as long as I was high it didn’t! So we sit up all night and talk about nothing and everything… See tweakers have a way of telling grand lies, and basically making everything they say sound like it is the most important thing in the whole world……..So after a few more hours the sack is empty, and I need to relax for a bit before I have to go to the Welfare Department… That alone will be an all day affair…… Heh! I will be tweaking my ass off in a County building and wearing a fucking County Jail jumpsuit!!!!! what balls I have!!!!!!
So I stretch out on a piece of the floor in another room and zone out until daylight…. Then I get on the bus and head out to the Welfare Department. So I make it to the Welfare office and after an 8 hour waiting game they hook me up with food stamps, bus tokens, and a motel. And the way the county runs I even get a few bucks in cash to top it off!!!! So I head out like a fetus to the local check cashing spot, I get my food stamps and sell half of them to get some cash…..Buy some smokes, then take off on the bus to my motel….Ahhhhhh yes some where to crash and get a plan together, but that fucking takes a dive when I get to the place and they won’t give me a room cause I don’t have any I.D.!!!!!!!! Fuck this kills the whole plan!!! So I bail back to Eric’s place and end up staying there for the night. I got some cash so Eric goes to his connect and gets us a big sack, and some food.
And on the story goes….. Eric comes back with the sack and some food… And after wolfing down another burrito, I begin smoking my life away as if I that was all there was left in this world for me!
After smoking death all night long, I bum a shirt from Eric, and take off for the county jail….. They have the clothes I was busted in and a few meager possessions and I want them back! It never occurred to me that I may get busted for being loaded… And to tell you the truth, I didn’t really care. So far my life hadn’t been such a grand adventure and looking at it from where I was at the time….I felt as if that was all I would ever be, and so I may as well go out like a smoking gun…..I tweak my ass all the way to 450 Bauchet Street like a straight arrow and get my clothes…. This was all I owned, and even though the clothes were shabby, they meant something to me, then I make my way back to the Welfare office to get a new motel room…… I high step into the Welfare office like I am a fucking hero….. I got a pair of smelly levies cut off and hemmed at the ankles, a cool Green Hell tee-shirt, and a pair of stolen hi-top tennis shoes on….And last but not least my Black-Fly sunglasses!!!!! I am so fucking cool!!!!!!!!!! So in no time I get a new motel voucher and head off to some low bottom motel in San Pedro…….By the time I make it there I still have some cash, and a small amount of dope…. But that isn’t gonna hold me!!! but I know I gotta make my appointment to the prop 36 office and I can’t be loaded when I get there….So I smoke the rest of my sack and chill out…. The next day I make it to the office and they do the paper work and give me an appointment to come back…… And while I am there I remember my moms cell phone number….. When I get back to the motel I call her number, and I get this long answering machine message from my mom saying she moved to Michigan, and that my friend Nima was going to help me, and I just needed to call him and he would bring me some money…….. My stomach sank when I heard my mom had moved to Michigan…… I was feeling truly all alone and this answering machine message just confirmed it!!!!!!! All I could think about was getting high, so I called Nima and he came over and gave me $200.00 and bought me some food, and gave me a back pack to hold all of my stuff in and he was off and gone as fast as he showed up….. I guess it was easy to see that I was a loser and people that are doing good and have a life don’t want to be around people like me….. So now I was alone still, but I had $200.00 and some smokes and a full stomach and I was gonna get some shit!!!!!
With in 30 minutes I had an 8 ball of speed, a new pipe, a couple lighters, and I was off to my room to kill time, and see the world………
So like 3 days later i’m spinning like a top, all I can do is smoke speed and jerk off!!!!!!
Death and sex seem to go so well together……….I only come out of my room to buy beer, and smokes…. And I walk, talk, and act like the living dead……And soon enough as any tweaker will tell you, if you stay up long enough the voices and auditory hallucinations will take over…. And they did!!!!! I don’t fear the voices, they’re my only friends….. What I fear is that the words just might be true…… But like a good tweaker I fend them off by doing the only thing you can do…….Keep on smoking!!!!!!!!!!
The hours seems to spin by.. as fast as quick shallow breaths…..in and out the hours burn by me. I tweak in stages… smoke a little, jerk off a while… get up and drink some beer, peek out the window, and then start all over again…….. After a few days i have almost completely lost touch with reality, and i slip in and out. I engage in lengthly conversations with the voices in my head as if they were actually sitting in front of me….I am pacing around the room in every direction and the only time i stop is too reload the pipe, light up a cigarette, or drink some beer.
I don’t know what time is was, or what set it off, but soon i was again talking to one of the voices in my head…..Actually i was being interrogated….This must be the boss, the voice in charge… The voice was reviewing my ugly past …. asking me questions, why i had done some of the things i had done….. on and on it goes… i just sit on the edge on the bed, and answer for my crimes, like the last confession before being judged, and then put to death…………it goes on for a very long time…..
The next thing i know another voice is informing me that my road dog is going to be killed because he was put in charge of watching out for me and he had let me get loaded……As soon as i heard this i was enraged!!!!!!! I screamed and raved on and on to this new voice, and then all of a sudden, it is madenly noisy in this shit hole of a motel room… there are dozens of voices about me…. some are laughing.. some and barking orders at me… some are telling me this is it… get ready for the end……it is coming from all side, and i am spinning around trying to focus on each new voice… Then as fast as it started, it is dead quiet in the room and i am given two choices…. I can let Eric be killed or take his place. I jump forward without a seconds hesitation….Take me i hiss to the boss voice….I am then ordered to the window…. i walk to the window, and then i am told to open the drapes.. I do as i am commanded….. as i look out into the night… it is deathly quiet in the ghetto tonight….as i look as far as i can from this second story window nothing is moving out there… no cars,or people……as i stand there the voices are getting louder and louder….. it is becoming more than i can handle…. i am afraid but i don’t leave the window………I can’t take it any longer… All i can think about is that Eric has a wife who loves him, they love each other…. and she will be heartbroken if he is killed. Without another thought i throw myself over the window ledge, and reaching down i claw my fingers into the small ledges between the bricks and pull my myself out of the window.
The moment i felt myself falling all went black………..The next thing i know i am awake and it is so bright… i can’t see anything… the bright light is blinding me…and i don’t know where i am…..then it comes back and i am sick to my stomach… I hurt all over and once again loneliness takes over and is soon joined with despair. The doctor must have given me something, because for the next 2 or 3 days i fade in and out. A few voices are still here, but there are quiet kind of voices, and i talk hush hush under my breath so no one will hear me. Soon the nurse is telling me they need to call someone to come get me because the are going to release me. I don’t have anyone to call….. and the nurse is unsympathetic, and she keeps saying that i need to call someone… I am too tired and weak to argue….so i give her Nima’s number and soon faded out again.
So the nurse gets in touch with Nima and he shows up at the hospital with some clothes for me. (they had cut off all of my clothes) He takes me back to the motel, i make up an excuse for happened… telling him i was drunk and sitting on the window ledge, and fell out! he buys it, and the next thing i know i am back at the motel, and walk up to my room, go inside and gently lay on the bed. I have about six stitches in the back of my head, and i hurt all over!! It is all i can do to get up and walk to the sink and piss….(this motel didn’t have any bathrooms in the rooms. A few days go by and soon i have to check out and go back to the Welfare office to get another room. I have never told anyone this story….And while writing this, the same sick feelings came back to me as strong as they were the night this ugly event……i will leave it up to you what it all means… To me it was just one of many brief stops on my mission…….The last stop was on 3/28/03, but i will save that for another time.
I sit here drinking coffee, and smoking cigaretts. Periodicly i stop and look about as if i was expecting someone to knock on my door….or to call on the phone…
There is a little voice deep inside of me
Women! why is it so fucking hard figure out what they are thinking???? So here it is…. I have this customer and he has this extremely attractive secretary, and over the course of about 4 months or so we have been working allot together on different company, and personal projects and so like for the last month or so she has been coming over to my place to do some side work for me, and i guess i am just a horn dog, or can’t read body language, or maybe i am actually just fucking stuck on stupid when it comes to women, but i thought she was sending me some signals…..For instance, we’re at her office one afternoon and we’re alone. I am showing her how to do something on her computer… i am sitting in her chair at her computer, and she is standing next to me, and with out warning she leans in on me…..she is pressed up close to me….she smells nice, and i can feel the warmth of her body on mine….I am a tuff “Old Skool” kinda guy so i act as if nothing was happening other than me showing her some computer tricks! So the day goes on and all i can think about is what she was thinking… and if that was a signal…. and of course since she is really attractive to me, i day dream about her; Is she a good kisser?, what does her body look like, etc……is she into me? should i ask her out?….. and after a few days i have forgot all about it….but then it happens again. this time she is at my place, and i am looking something up on my laptop and she is next to me looking at the page, and BAMM! she leans on me with her hip, and this isn’t just a little nudge, she is putting her full weight on me, and as pathetic as this may sound; it really felt good having some personal human contact…she is a good looking woman, and that was the highlight of my day, feeling her body touching mine! So now she’s got me thinking she wants me to make a more on her….. Well i am a chicken when it comes to that kinda stuff…. so nothing happens other than me mentally willing her clothes off, and into my bed! Heh! ;-/ Like it could happen! so like a week goes by, and she is over here again doing some work for me, and then i am showing her how to surf ebay…. and we are talking and messing around, and then the topic changes to sex, and then we’re looking at XXX pix on Yahoo images….fuck… now all i can do is eye fuck her, and undress her with my eyes. So we move on and she is surfing ebay on my laptop, and i am on my workstation doing some reports for one of my customers, and she is complaining about her back hurting, so i go get her some tylenol. I am standing behind her when she takes them… she is drinking some water to wash them down, and they she says her neck hurts too.. in an instant she looks back at me and we have one of those eye contact moments, she is looking at me looking at her.. and neither of us is saying anything…. and then i kill the moment by saying “What?” like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. As fast as he moment started it was over… she says “nothing” and she goes back to surfing ebay, and i sit down at my desk feeling like the world’s dumbest guy. I am no good at knowing how to make a move a chick, the last thing i want to happen is for her to reject me and then thinking i am a fucking loser for trying to hit on her. I am not up for anymore rejection in my life, and i would rather just keep my distance than risk being rejected, but i get the feeling that she was sending me signals… hell i don’t know!….. fuck she probably thinks i am a retard, or worse; that i am not into her!!!! Oh well…. i guess you can just add this one to the many dumb as fucking shit things i have done in my life……and i guess i better put the walls up a bit higher too! I think that some people where just meant to be alone….and I guess that includes me!
