Is it in you too?
Hours and days pass me by like a sour smell that lingers in the air, and more and more it becomes evident that my so called dreams most likely will never become a reality, but will remain as a bitter longing of the unatained! I am reminded daily of my faults; I am to blame for my wasted life. Half of me doesn’t care, and the other half talks in it’s sleep to the shadows of my hearts desire. I have a million fond memories of sweet and pleasent times, moments of shining bliss…. I play those memories in my head like an old scratched record. The sound is there but the record is scratched and worn for misuse.
Bukowski had a Bluebird in his heart that he wouldn’t let out… he was lucky.. i don’t know what i got in side….. it could be really ugly.. cause i have seen it rear it’s dirty head from time to time…. it could be warm and loving, cause i have caught it weeping in a tender moment….. mostly it is selfish and cold..i know this cause i feel the guilt from letting it take over my better judgement. I sometimes give in and let it’s hollow voice tell me wicked things…..and then i tell it to shut up…..I sometimes catch myself telling it to shutup out loud, after i do… i feel silly, and ashamed, and i hunch down and look about to see if anyone heard me talking to my invisable other half…….I am sure that insanity starts just this way….Bukowski was lucky…. booze and whores worked for him….. booze always made me more fucked up in the end….. the same is true for drugs, whores, gambling…..pills, jacking off….shit anything that provides some sort of temporary pleasure eventually fucks me up, and then i am worse off than i was before i started!!!!!!
This woman i fucked over a while ago told me that “Pay back is a mother fucker!”….Well i am sure she is right… not one day goes by that i am not reminded that prices are being paid for all of the ugly shit that i have done in my 43 years……..I see it when i see normal people doing the stuff that normal people do….I was on a house call at this customers home, and his home was beautiful, he had some nice looking kids, a nice wife that was making home made pizza in the kitchen, there was an air of warmth and love in that house……I could feel it the moment i walked into his foyer…. as he led me to his computer i looked at the beautifully painted living room walls, at the shinny hardwood floors…..i heard his children laughing and talking in the next room, while his wife put the toppings on the pizza she was making……Then my mood instantly changed and my heart sank and realization hit home once again……and i guess another small price was again paid! So i have decided to not dream any more…..I think dreams should only be for good people…..people that won’t waste or throw them away…..I am just looking forward to the day all of my prices are paid in full…………….
