Am I Crazy, but why does it hurt when I feel?????
Here I am again…..
I don’t what it is but after I posted the last entry on this blog, I have gotten at least one phone call a day from some one looking for a woman named Joan!!!!
and yesterday I got 3 phone calls from people and telemarketers all wanting to talk to Joan!!! They don’t ask for her by her last name, they just say…
Hello this is bla bla bla…… Is Joan there?????
OK, so this is like a coincidence I think… But then again I think maybe it is some cosmic slap in the face, saying…
HEY FUCKER WAKE UP JOAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR SOULMATE.. BUT YOU FUCKED UP SPARKY!!!!!!!!
After the 3rd call I was sooooo pissed off, cause I kept telling them that no one name Joan lives here and to remove my number from their database, then the phone rings and it’s her… Is this a fucking joke??? why the hell would she be calling me???? Is this God’s way of saying here is your payback fucker for all the crappy shit you have done in you life???? I was caught off guard……The next thing I am thinking …I wish she was my wife….I wish she was in the next room, I wish she was calling from the store asking me what I wanted for dinner….. It all ran thru my head, and as soon as we started talking……That ugly empty feeling took over and I knew that all of that stuff would never happen, and then the next feeling took over….. It is better to talk to her long distance, and hear her voice then to not ever get to talk to her!!!!! and then I am happy and miserable all at the same time!!!!
to give you a little more background on Joan and myself….. About 3 or 4 years ago I told her how I felt for her, and that I loved her, and that I wished that I was her husband, and the father of her son. Joan was kind to me.. She said she didn’t feel that way about me, and they she never did and never will….. And another time when the topic came up… She said I was creeping her out, and that she wasn’t attracted to me….. well that really made my day……I know I am not the best looking guy in the world, but fuck it sux that I creep women out!!!! It must be the desperation in my voice, the lack of personal skills one needs to have a intimate relationship with women in general??????? I don’t know… It just hurts…. And to compound matters, she still wants to call me, and she asks why I haven’t called or emailed her in such a long time????????? I told her that I was just putting space between us, and I reminded her of my feelings for her, and that she said I creeped her out and such, and she went on to say that that is how she feels, and she still wants to be friends… Fuck, that makes me feel like the lesser of 2 evils!!!!!! and still I wanted to talk to her; in the dump truck of my heart I secretly hoped she would change her mind and love me!!!!!!!!!!
This exactly the way I felt when I was shooting dope. You know deep down in the back of your mind that this isn’t good for you, that is going to kill you in the end, but you hope, wish, pray that somehow it will get better. But the truth of the matter is that it is a deadly addiction, and that is only gonna get worse, and sooner or later it will kill you…………………..
Fuck it you tell your self, and off you go……………………………………………
