Global Journey…..Or living on Death Row waiting to die????
Here it is another sober day……
A lot has been happening, mostly work! Since moving to Michigan, my only source of personal entertainment is watching cable TV.
I was blessed with a decent 19″ hand me down color TV from my mom, and after about 2 months it took a dump on me. After a about a week of not being able to hardly see the screen I was able to make enough money to go buy my first TV!
Since I have been sober this time there have been a lot of firsts; At the age of 42, and almost 2 1/2 years sober I rented my first apartment, Met my Aunt Nancy (I only saw her 2 other times, once when I was 7 after my father passed away, and the other when I was 24 while I was in the hospital after wrecking a stolen van and breaking both of my legs, and both arms, and sustaining some serious injuries.) Since moving to Michigan, I have seen my Aunt Nancy twice, and the whole time I was with her all I could think about was my Grandmother, since she looks almost like her! My Grandmother died about 18 months ago, and I never made amends to her! Of all of the people on my amends list her and my Grandfather are only ones I will never be able to make a face to face amends to! My grandfather refuses to have anything to do with me or acknowledge I even exist, I don’t blame him at all….. His reasons are the result of my actions while drinking and on drugs!!!! And for some strange reason, I think I might feel the same way about me if I were him!
All of my life while drinking and using I used other people for my gain, without remorse or regard for their feelings or any consequences. I have to admit that I have stole money and property from my whole family, as well I was abusive both physically and emotionally……..Including my Mother, and sisters! And so now how can I expect that my Grandfather would accept a few years of sobriety in return for over 25 years of abuse??? I can’t….And I do not blame him for his feelings towards me… It does hurt that has taken out his anger of me on my Mother…..My Mother is the only one who never gave up on me in all of my insanity, and she still lies and defends me to the rest of my family………….. She actually exaggerates my business, and the few good and decent things I have done, I guess it is too make up for my less that human past!
Sooooooooo I was able to make enough money to actually go out and buy my own TV….. I didn’t have a lot of money, but with what I did have I was able to purchase a 20″ Sanyo Stereo Flat Screen TV……And a very simple stand for it!!!!
I was so excited going home, my mom was with me, so I held my cool, until I was at my house. As soon as I got home I took down the other TV and set my new one up….. It was one of the coolest personal moments I have ever had….After I got it all set up I relaxed on my bed, and did some channel surfing. I have all of the premium cable channels so I found a cool movie in no time. My TV and playing my guitar are my personal past times, and I enjoy doing both very much……I have seen some really touching movies on TV, and last night I watched the Movie “Murder in the first.” it was about a guy in the late 30’s who was sent to Alcatraz for stealing $5.00 from a rural general store/post office. I have always thought of the late 30’s and early 40’s as a magical time and I would have loved to have lived in that time. All of the great musicians lived in that era, and they set musical standards and broke into uncharted musical territory! But this story was about the cruelty that was inflected on an inmate at Alcatraz, and the social understanding and views of that time. It was scary… This man was placed in solitary confinement in almost total darkness for over 3 years, and tortured on an almost daily basis, and the first day they let him out, he kills another inmate out of fear……He is then on trial for First degree murder, and the prosecuting attorney is seeking the death penalty!!!! This was a touching and moving story…. In one part of the movie….In a fit of anger and despair the inmate screams out….
I am already dead! I am on death row waiting to die
It just kinda hits me……We’re all on some sort of death row….. Some of us are on a really nice cell block, with all of the personal comforts we could ever wish for, and some of us are in a real crappy cell block, we don’t have shit, and life is hard but we manage to get by!!!!!…… Then there are the ones confined to solitary…. They live in total darkness, and each day hope seems to fade away…… Bit by bit…..It slips away……Every breath is a burden… And each blink of an eye is another empty bodily function, and the only feelings are those of being lost, and all alone…..Fear and hate soon take over and nothing matters, and as soon as the last shred of hope is gone….. Death seems like a luxury!!!!!!!
At that moment…. Every problem I have just isn’t that important any longer…. How can I whine, when shit like this happens every day…..At this very moment there are over 5500 men and women on death row in the U.S., and untold numbers in other countries around the world…..Don’t get me wrong, I am not taking any side as to their being there as right or wrong, but the point is…. At any given time…..One or more of them will have their lives taken.. Their lives will end prematurely, and that has to be the most terrifying feeling a person can ever know!!!!!!
It both scares me and make me feel good to know that I was able to hear the message, and find what I needed to find to get sober, and to stay sober for 2 plus years!…… The Big Book says………….
Those of us who live in large cities are overcome by the reflection that close by hundreds are dropping into oblivion every day. Many could recover if they had the opportunity we have enjoyed. How then shall we present that which has been so freely given us? Page 19
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did — then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen — Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! Page 151
If it were not for AA, and god I would have never made it this far!……
This is what helps me make through each day….
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace ofmind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: “God, I offer myself to Thee –to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” Page 63
