Joan revisited…..or should I say….watch me pull this scab off my heart!!!!!!!
Well so like it has been a long time since I have posted anything… But then I am a small business owner and my personal time is a almost nonexistent luxury these days..So time was just marching on… And I was doing what I am doing… (Which is work nonstop…Go to a few meetings and get used to northern Michigan weather!)
And so .. You know I chat with Joan from time to time online, we talk in the distant way she likes.. And every once in a while I get some cool pics of her little boy… He owns a big piece of my heart….But we’ll save that for another time….And out of the blue I get a email from her, and it seems she met some guy online that knew me from my punk rock band days and she wanted to let me know that somewhere in the world were a few fucking people who actually had heard of me and my music and thought I was a punk rock Elvis!!!…………..
Maybe it is because I left all that long behind me years ago since getting sober or maybe is was her.. Or maybe is all of the above!! I at once was sad and my usual ho-hum bla bla bla attitude changed and I didn’t feel so good about myself or the things I had done in the past or had failed to do….So rather than think about her email in the way I am sure she met it, I blasted off an email letting her know I felt and I wasn’t too nice….I guess that after all this time I still haven’t gotten over her…. So now she is separated from her no-good ex-husband, and working a crappy low paying job and living with her parents who for what ever the reason don’t support her emotionally they way they should… But again that is another story as well! So I told her that I left all of that behind and had moved on with my life, that I had taken my shot, failed, and was over it all…..That I had moved to Michigan to forget all of my past, and that she was a part of that past….I said a few other thing, mainly about me feelings, and that she didn’t want me and that I was always good to her, and cared about her, but she had and still does think of me as less than those guys that she used to date!!!! Ahh this started a few back and forth emails of her saying it wasn’t it was her… Shit I think everyone knows that is the universal soft let down lie women use when in all reality is YOU AND NOT THEM!!!!!!!!!···· So she she sent an email saying she never thought of me as less…. etc., and then the emails stopped, and I was left feeling like the damn day I opened up to her… Ahh I got a part to play in it, and the bottom line is she don’t want me… And that it it….Nuff said wouldn’t u think????
So like it is creeping towards Valentines day, and the 19th is her birthday, and before I moved here from California I would have sent her an email or something letting her know I remembered her birthday…..But after this go ’round the last thing I wanted to do was feel worse by letting her know even after how crappy she made me feel that I was asking for more!!!···And out of the blue she calls me and wants to talk, shit, then she sends me some pics of her son, and we’re talking and it is so fucking nice it was unnerving, but I got deep feelings for her… And call this ruff and tuff looking fucker stupid, but I soak it up, and silently wish for more….We hang up and I feel kinda nice, in the back of my head I know she don’t love me.. But none the less, every time we interact I hope that she will change her mind…That she will realize that I care for her and her son and that she’ll open her heart to me…..Fuck that!, like punch drunk fighter I let my guard way down and BLAM from outta nowhere, I get an email the next day from this chick I knew when I had my piercing shop… Well she lets me know that I am the ass of the online conversation between her and her new punk rock friend, and that she had some choice things to say about me and how I looked to her, and basically how she was repulsed by me and my feelings for her……Damn…. This shit was graphic in description, so now I sunk lower than I had I long time!!!··· she really hurt more than I ever remember being hurt…. I am in front of my computer and I am just staring at it….. I muddle around finishing some of the stuff I need to finish and the I get fucking valentines day card from her!!!!! in the 10+ years I have known her she has never sent me a fucking valentines day card…… And now I feel even more like shit…. She is bashing me to her new friends but acting like I am special to her???????
So now I send her a really nasty email and let her have it….. I thought we were friends….. And the emails go back and forth…. And then I get a call from the chicks boyfriend, a guy I have an aquantance with from the past, and he give me a number to call him on and he strightens it all out…His chick started it all to be mean cause she didn’t like me….. And I am still hurt, but at least I know she didn’t say those things… And now her guy sends me and email saying he knows I have feelings for her, and he isn’t gonna talk with her online anymore…. And then he tries to give me some inspirational support and tells not to give up etc.. That I can win her love…… Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… And then he tells Joan he isn’t gonna talk with her….. So now I am the bad guy!!!!!!! then to make it more drama filled ….. He and Joan kiss and make up….And they are chatting… Then she isn’t online one day and he fucking freaks out and email me three times asking if I knew where she is etc…. I wanted to tell him to get her number and call her…. Joan is a good woman….I still love her, so I tell him to just chill cause if she said she would be online she will……And I tell him to be good to her, that she always gives more than she ever gets back in return, and I give him some inspirational insight to her…. And that I tell him if he is serious then she will be real good to him….So now this guy is MIA I guess cause now Joan sends me an IM message asking me stuff about him….. I wanna be mean… But how can I???? I still lover her…. I know I am fucking crazy huh???? but I am cordial, and we chat a bit then she is gone off to do what ever it is she is doing………………..
And now after all of that… I sit here writing these words wishing she was in the next room………….Sometimes to just wonder why it has to be me……..Why can’t she love me… How come I can’t be the cool one……Have the good body, a big dick, be fucking rich?????, and then my AA training kicks in…. Why not me???? as I write these words someone in the world is sad, and expressing wanting and sadness for his Joan too…… And saying why me??? the bottom line is I am not special…. And I got what I got and there ain’t no more and that is all!!!!··· I got loads to be grateful for, and if I stop for a moment it could be way worse……She could have been my woman and her son my son… But I was getting loaded back then and I would have ended up adding her and her son to my long list of wreckage……..Or I could be in prison wishing I was single and here whining…. Or I could fucking be dead……And again my AA training kicks in and I remember ….”We don’t regret the past nor do we wish to shut the door on it”……. Life is the way life is and I am not in charge……It will get better…. And I guess my wanting love is a quality problem after all….. Heh! it used to be a dope and alcohol problem…… Now I got life… And an abundance of it!!!
Good night and God bless all of the Joans in the world and the men who love them!!!!!!!!!
More later……………………………….
