Got smokes, and bad breath
This entry is from Blogger posted 7/6/2005
Just got back from the market, got 2 packs of camels, and a bottle of diet coke(I’m a diabetic now!) I hate going out in public sometimes, I get the feeling I was born in the darkness, cause I never was a morning person, but since I am sober now for like 2 and half years, you gotta do what you gotta do! I live in the sticks in Northern Michigan, and I tell you this town is like 10 years behind the times!!!!!
So I get my smokes and a coke and go to the checkout lane, and the girl there gives me a once over…..Fuck like she was a fucking hottie anyway…. But I check her out, no ass, no tits and a fresh looking upper lip from some waxing or a quick shave, and that look that says “you know you want me” …. Yes baby I want you….. I want you to take my fucking money so I can go back home. I give her my money and get in the car and rush back home. I am a webmaster and I have some fucking lamer sending my network spoofed emails with virus attachments. I can’t have this fucking L33t ass munch wannabe infecting my network. This idiot isn’t too smart anyway, I got his IP from the email header, and as soon as I get finished here, I will log on to my fave yahoo chat room and get the regs to start a DDOS exploit on his rat ass network!!!!
Anyway….. This is my way of venting… I don’t expect anyone to find it, and if some is reading this…. Then cool……. I just need somewhere to release the words that are rattling in my head…
so if you read my profile, you must be wondering how people get hooked on drugs and go to jail and do sick shit…. Well if I had all the answers I would have a TV show like Oprah, and that doctor fag she used to have on her show…. What is his name????? Oh yeah Dr. Phil….. What a fucking joke…. The way I see it, if I had some real problems, and I was trying to take care of them, I wouldn’t go a fucking TV show to let the whole world know I was cheating on my wife or a closet pole smoker. Heh! Shit I have never been married, I have dated like 4 girls in my whole like and I never had a girlfriend long enough to even think about cheating on her…. I don’t think I would have anyway….I ain’t no saint, and I have done lots of shitty stuff, but I always considered myself lucky to have a girlfriend, so cheating wasn’t part of my plan.
So how do people get hooked on drugs???? It is easy, drugs fill a void that nothing else fills. Some people fill their void with food, sex, and booze, and some fill it with dope. As for me.. Dope and booze all the way!
I had a crappy life growing up…. My dad died when I was a real young boy, and mom was not equipped to deal with the loss of her Husband, she did the best she could to take care of me and my sister with what she had to work with. My dad was had a good life insurance policy so we had money and all of the basics, good food, clothes, and love, but for me it wasn’t enough for me…. I think I was a fuck up from the time I was born, cause I did all kinds of stupid shit before my dad died, when I was six I lost my shoes, and no one could find them…. My mom and dad looked all over the house and they were gone!!!! I know about this because one time in my moms total desperation over my me running away she read a letter my dad sent while he was away at work. The crux of the letter was he didn’t know what he was going to do with me, since losing my shoes, I was also kicked out of school for biting the shit out of a kid at school. My mom has cried a lot of tears over the shit I have done, and the letter she was reading was about stuff I had done when I was six!!! Anyway.. Like most movies on the subject.. I met a group of young slackers who did drugs, and I proceeded to trash my life with drugs & crime, and hate, and also I might add the lives of my family and assorted loved ones I met while on the way. To this day My grandfather on my mothers side of the family doesn’t want shit to do with me, as far as he is concerned I am low life loser dope fiend! In many ways I guess he is right. Since I moved here to Michigan it kills me to know he lives like 15 minutes away from my apartment, and he would rather stuff flaming marbles up his ass than see me!!! I don’t blame him at all….. I stole from, lied and hurt everyone in my family… And now that I am sober I can’t expect the world to go..”Welcome back Son we missed you!!!!” but what really hurts is that my grandmother died before I got a chance to make an amends to her. I was her first grandchild and she spoiled me when I was a young boy, she was a seamstress, and she made me and my sister clothes, and did all the stuff that grandmothers do for their grandchildren. And she died not knowing I had gotten sober, and I never got to tell her I was so sorry for all I had done to her and my grandfather. If you know about 12 step recovery, then you know that making amends for our wrongs is paramount to staying sober……I have made some amends to people that I have wronged, because I want to stay sober, but not being able to make amends to my grandmother tears me up…….. I won’t get loaded over it… Shit I am done getting loaded, but you know when I think about all the good she and my grandfather did for me it ties my guts in a knot!!!!!!! The really ugly thing is that for about 15 or 16 years I ran through peoples lives like a fucking freight train, and I never stopped to look back. Now that I am older, and sober, and more importantly, in touch with a higher power I wonder why I had to always take it to the fucking limit.. Right to the edge before I got sober…. I have wasted over half of my 42 years on killing myself and pissing on the love and caring of everyone in my life…… And I will never be able to make it all right!!!
………….. Late
